Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM) 101

I founded Brick Legal, PLLC to serve non-traditional families like mine. Studies show that non-monogamous families are now even more common than queer families. As a loud and proud queer & polyamorous attorney, I believe it is my responsibility to be an ambassador for my communities. The blog below is designed to educate folks on the basics of consensual non-monogamy (CNM) and introduce the legal options available to CNM families in Massachusetts.

Clear definitions are key to a successful conversation, so we will begin with answering a few questions and establishing some common terms used by the CNM community and by the queer community. 

→What does “polyamory” even mean? Is it the same as polygamy?

This is a common misconception! Polygamy historically refers only to marriage, and more specifically it typically denotes a man who has marriages to multiple women. Since  Reynolds v. United States, 98 U.S. 145 (1879), the U.S. has widely prohibited legal marriages between more than two people. Polyamory, by contrast, uses Latin and Greek root words to describe “many love,” or a partnership with more than two people. Unlike polygamy, polyamory does not denote marriage. See the definitions below for more detail. 

ENM/CNM: ENM stands for “ethical non-monogamy” and CNM stands for “consensual non-monogamy.” Both of these terms, used interchangeably in the community, describe a relationship style where all participants informedly and enthusiastically consent to a relationship with more than one partner. 

Polyamory: a subset of ENM or CNM. Polyamory is to CNM as a square is to a rectangle: all polyamorous relationships are consensually non-monogamous, but the reverse is not true. Polyamory is a distinct type of consensually non-monogamous relationship where people typically commit to and engage in long-term romantic love and intimacy with multiple partners.

Polycule: the CNM version of “couple.” Polycule describes the relationship unit, comprising all partners and metamours (defined below). To illustrate: Aspen is dating Birch and Cherry. Aspen, Birch, and Cherry are all members of the same polycule. 

Metamour (or “meta” for short): a gender-neutral version of “girlfriend-in-law.” To illustrate: Aspen and Birch are ethically non-monogamous. Aspen is dating Birch, and Aspen is also dating Cherry. Birch and Cherry do not date, but they are members of the same polycule. Because they have a partner in common, Birch and Cherry are metamours. 

Hinge: the partner that two metamours have in common. Using our Tree Family example: Birch is dating Aspen. Cherry is also dating Aspen. Birch and Cherry are metamours, and Aspen is their hinge. 

→How prevalent is this lifestyle anyway?

Studies show that, for Americans, practicing polyamory is even more common than being queer. One study found that 1 out of 6 people (16.8%) desire to engage in polyamory, and at least 1 out of 9 people (10.7%) have engaged in polyamory at some point during their life. Research shows that roughly 1 in 14 people (7.1%) in the United States identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or something other than heterosexual. 

→What is that long acronym y’all use?

LGBTIAQ2S+ stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Intersex, Asexual, Queer/Questioning, Two Spirit, plus. The plus is a sort-of catch-all which acknowledges the fluidity of these identities and the ineptitude of the acronym to encompass all queer identities. 

→Why do you keep saying “queer”? Isn’t that offensive?

Folks in the queer community have reclaimed the word “queer,” which used to be exclusively a slur lobbed against us, as the shorter catch-all moniker.  We have all experienced oppression for our non-traditional lifestyles and identities, and we recognize that standing united under a broad label is a strong expression of our solidarity with each other. “Queer” denotes anyone who does not conform to society’s rigid gender, sexuality, and relationship norms. 

Brick Legal, PLLC and Protecting Your Rights in a Non-traditional Relationship 

Every person has the right to choose the relationship and family structure that is right for them. When weighing your options, it is crucial to remember that there are rights and benefits afforded to those in a legal marriage that are not guaranteed to those in other relationship scenarios, such as domestic partnerships or other romantic or platonic arrangements. Experts strongly encourage individuals in non-traditional relationships or families to research their legal options. Cohabitation agreements, co-ownership agreements, premarital or marital agreements, support agreements, and estate planning documents can be used to spell out your rights in a relationship. 

Whether your family is consensually non-monogamous or queer, both of these communities find solidarity in being non-traditional. The law does not always contemplate the specific issues faced by non-traditional families, such as support requirements for a non-marital partner–but at Brick Legal, PLLC, understanding and addressing these nuances is our forte. If your non-traditional family needs an empathetic attorney with a passion for providing support, please reach out.

If you’d like to see a blog post discussing more esoteric polyamorous terms (such as kitchen table polyamory, parallel poly, relationship anarchy and more), please email me at marie@brick-legal.com